The Parish Counsel

You'd think these two would be sick of this nonsense by now, wouldn't you? But no, no - on they go with TV reviews this and Pete Waterman that. Richard Bacon, The Apprentice - on and on and on. They'll be naming tracks for that infernal pretend iPod next. What? They already have? Typical!

Obviously, all good things must come to an end and the blessed relief of those two goons having a week off is shattered as they return to bend ears with talk of Egypt, horse racing, football improvements, Masterchef and popular music recordings suitable for made up MP3 players. Thanks, fellas.

Oh yes. That's right. Shopping to be done. Garden to be dug. Hamster to be fed. And these guys don't lift a finger. They're too 'busy' giving it gob on Make Bradford British, Proud and Prejudiced, Murdoch, The Sun On Sunday and picking beat music to put on a machine that doesn't even exist. Just leave everything to me, fellas.

And, as winter turns to Spring, a couple of old buffers refuse to leave the house, instead they natter on about The Brits, ticket rip-offs, firework jeopardy, absorbing culture, famous godparents and songs for pretend iPods. Get some exercise!

Here they come. Walking down the street. Well, not exactly walking, more sitting. In fact, only sitting. And there's no street involved. But there are two geezers. And they are talking about Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, Ten o Clock Live, junk telly, Whitney hyperbole and putting tracks on an iPod that isn't there. They do look a bit like monkeys too.

Ah sweet relief! Granted those two grizzled old blokes are there waxing on about Junior Doctors, horror on the railways, Twitter, Sky and their virtual iPod device - BUT at least they are punctuated by a lovely, talented lady about halfway through. It won't last.

Setting the world to rights? That's for the UN. Instead, these two wide-boys have a chinwag about odd names for pets, Tales From The Underground, being gay in football, addiction to social media and the return of the mighty virtual iPod. Give it some ears, why don't you?

This week, the Dimmer Twins set about breakfasts, bad spelling, Coppers, binge boozing and dress codes. Then it's back to the basket weaving.

Oh right, here we we go again. Who fancies some Room 101, filming dead people, voicemails, Muhammed Ali, Megaupload arrests and similar hoo-ha. You do? Really?

Settling down with a large pot of Lady Gray and a packet of mint Club biscuits, Magnus and Terence give it large on the piracy extradition case, Anne Diamond and Leveson, The Brits and CBB 2012. Then it's off to Subway for a six inch treat.