The Parish Counsel

If you guys have quite finished yapping about upselling, Club biscuits, sock puppets, the Telegraph and your flippin' made-up iPod, perhaps you'd give me hand with posting flattering comments on my Amazon page ...

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to the Rocking Vicar's official podcast episode 64. Please enjoy our stories of haircuts, BBC appearance fees, ITV's documentary on night, The Stones at 50 and .... agggghhhh, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! A LION!!! A LION!!!!!!

What-ho chaps! I'm just having a spiffing dip in the old pool, then there's a top-notch little do up in my suite. Some super totty coming and me and the chaps have set up a bang-on game of strip billiards. What do you mean you'd rather talk about Edinburgh jokes, comics, Harry Hill and your iPod? The Sun front page? No I haven't ... I say!

Well, you two managed to waffle throughout the Olympics, so I'm expecting you to remain absolutely silent while I watch the new series of X-Factor. No Cowell, you say? Pussycat Doll? (Sigh). Go on then, tell me about the closing ceremony, Celebrity Big Brother, Russell Brand on addictions and that never-ending iPod of yours. What have I got to lose?

Do you two realise you could be on a podium, receiving a bronze for BMX dressage, instead of harping on about the Guardian Weekend magazine, Twitter bans, Games Makers, anti-DJ radio, a pop-up plumber and your pretend iPod? Think on.

Olympics! Radio 2! Olympics! YouTube! Olympics! X-Factor winners! Olympics! Old radiogram sets and pudding bowls! Olympics! Del Amitri! Olympics! David Bowie! Terrible cycling joke! Olymp ... well, you get the idea.

And here come the British team - and I have to say, two of them look in terrible shape. What's more, instead of concentrating on medals, they appear to be nattering about the opening ceremony, rock stars in disguise, free wi-fi, Ab Fab and some music they rather like. Hold on, they're not athletes - security!

One across: highly opinionated pair gassing about passports, Hyde Park, TOTP 1977, Dave, polls and pretend iPods. Not exactly cryptic, is it?

Sarge? Yes, I've found the source of that droning noise. No, not insects. Actually a couple of doughnuts talking about hand signals, funerals, Moyles, 2012, Bank of Dave and something called the 'pretend iPod'. Nick 'em? Will do.

La, la, la. I can't hear you. Not listening to your yammering about the Udderbelly festival, Sykes, West End theatre woes, the new BBC DG, Lydon on Question Time and the pretend, mystical, mythical, iPod jukebox. La, la, la.