The Parish Counsel

Whatever a 'Vinyl Special" is, these two goons assure me this is the first part of one. Presumably they won't be discussing floor coverings. Also presume there's part two to come. Yes, apparently, there is.

When they said they had a lot on, I thought the two of them might be busy being useful. But no. They just had a lot to gabble on about, like donuts, Rolling Stones tickets, Las Vegas, Mike Harding, tattoos, Emmerdale live, Grand Designs and that pretend iPod. Call that busy?

Look, look. It's episode 69. Hee, hee. Y'know like ... dirty things. Tee, hee, hee, hee. Sorry? Oh. Apparently it's just two blokes talking about scary adverts, Emmerdale's festival, Watchdog, Danny Dyer and a pretend iPod. Still. Hee, hee.

Well, what with it being the big Beatles celebration this week, I thought I'd tune into your podcast thingy to enjoy your mop-top tales and Fab Four insights. What did I find? Giant meals, spam emails, Mr. & Mrs. reviews and pretend iPods. Where was Yellow Submarine? Nowhere, that's where.

This week's podcast is replaced by live coverage of the golf from Chicago. Oh, wait ... no it seems these two consider discussions of steam fairs, The Great British Bake Off, MySpace, Pukka Pads and the pretend iPod more important than men with sticks hitting little balls. They may have a point, to be honest.

Hotel problems, too many lights, badly behaved tourists, 999 on telly, Waitrose on Twitter and the pretend iPod? It's you two, isn't it? You're back! Oh, gawd, you're back ...

If you guys have quite finished yapping about upselling, Club biscuits, sock puppets, the Telegraph and your flippin' made-up iPod, perhaps you'd give me hand with posting flattering comments on my Amazon page ...

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to the Rocking Vicar's official podcast episode 64. Please enjoy our stories of haircuts, BBC appearance fees, ITV's documentary on night, The Stones at 50 and .... agggghhhh, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! A LION!!! A LION!!!!!!

What-ho chaps! I'm just having a spiffing dip in the old pool, then there's a top-notch little do up in my suite. Some super totty coming and me and the chaps have set up a bang-on game of strip billiards. What do you mean you'd rather talk about Edinburgh jokes, comics, Harry Hill and your iPod? The Sun front page? No I haven't ... I say!

Well, you two managed to waffle throughout the Olympics, so I'm expecting you to remain absolutely silent while I watch the new series of X-Factor. No Cowell, you say? Pussycat Doll? (Sigh). Go on then, tell me about the closing ceremony, Celebrity Big Brother, Russell Brand on addictions and that never-ending iPod of yours. What have I got to lose?