The Parish Counsel

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I ask two grown men to keep their chit-chat to a minimum so I can watch the tennis and you spend eighty minutes on helicopters, Paxman, tickets (again), Partridge, The Spice Girls, gigs in America, Adam and the Antz and the Doobie Brothers. Give me strength!

I'm getting soaked. Any chance you two could stop going on about Jimmy Carr, 24 Hours In A&E, Glastonbury, mortuaries, Yoko and that blasted pretend iPod and pass me a brolly? What do you mean you lost it? Which bus ...?

In the East for this exciting football tournament. But for some reason, I'm sat next to these two gob machines yacking on about Swedish Twitter, terrible panel shows, Kyle and Joy Division. Couldn't even hear the thunder storm.

Sixty minutes, I said. One hour, no more. But do these likely lads pay attention? Do they heck as like. Instead they give you closer to 70 minutes of gabble about Beach Boys tickets, Plan B's folly, the BBC jubilee fandango, punk recording studios and music for an iPod they still haven't bought. I give up, frankly.

So there we are at the Palace. The national anthem strikes up and we all jump to our feet, attentively paying tribute to Her Majesty on this wonderful occasion - with the exception of these two blokes, who manage to natter on about bad pub marketing, the death of irony, confusing ticketing, Veep and their ridiculous pretend iPod, throughout. Traitors!

My Lords, Ladies & Gentlemen, pray silence for the sound of a couple of old gimmers bending each others' ears about Florida, public transport, Oxford's park and ride system, judging talent shows, The Dictator and songs for a made up iPod. Feel free to leave the room.

Hello, police? Yes, there's a couple of very opinionated men in my computer talking loudly about BBC4 documentaries, grandfatherhood, Peter Cook on Parkinson, school visits and something they call the pretend iPod. Nothing you can do? But I pay your wages ...

Hello Sir. Hello Madam. We are your podcast candidates for the local elections. We are here to represent your views on best selling albums, Louise Mensch, Twitter trolls, The Hoarder Next Door and the pretend iPod. We trust we can rely on your vote? Sir? Madam? Come back ...

Hello Sir. Hello Madam. We are your podcast candidates for the local elections. We are here to represent your views on best selling albums, Louise Mensch, Twitter trolls, The Hoarder Next Door and the pretend iPod. We trust we can rely on your vote? Sir? Madam? Come back ...

Look out pop-pickers, it's a groovy party ... oh no, hold on. It's not. It's actually a podcast with two blokes sounding off about Bieber, The Daily Telegraph, AA Gill and Mary Beard, Leveson,  BBC Question Time and their made-up iPod. Bit less exciting, sorry.