The Parish Counsel

'Why don't you fellows invite a friend round?' I said. So they did and bless my soul if it wasn't that smashing Steve Hackett chap. But that didn't stop them going on about the Rolling Stones, parties, cancelled gigs and that blethering iPod thing. Well, I should have known really.

I sent those two out to make a start on the Christmas shopping. They came back empty-handed. Apparently they'd been distracted by talk of Marlow (the town), namesakes, master actors, BBC ownership, Scrimpers on the telly, James Bond and that daft pretend iPod. I've sent them back.

'Pop round and try a bit of my wife's lemon drizzle cake',  I said. Hours they were here. Between mouthfuls, they rattled on and on about trips to the USA, The Young Apprentice, some massive T-Rex competition, bank cards and their made-up iPod. Didn't even wash up.

Well, at least the gruesome twosome weren't having me on (like that time they told me pepper was an excellent toothpaste substitute). Because, as threatened, here comes part two of the "Vinyl Special". Colgate, SR or Sensodyne - never pepper. That's my advice.

Whatever a 'Vinyl Special" is, these two goons assure me this is the first part of one. Presumably they won't be discussing floor coverings. Also presume there's part two to come. Yes, apparently, there is.

When they said they had a lot on, I thought the two of them might be busy being useful. But no. They just had a lot to gabble on about, like donuts, Rolling Stones tickets, Las Vegas, Mike Harding, tattoos, Emmerdale live, Grand Designs and that pretend iPod. Call that busy?

Look, look. It's episode 69. Hee, hee. Y'know like ... dirty things. Tee, hee, hee, hee. Sorry? Oh. Apparently it's just two blokes talking about scary adverts, Emmerdale's festival, Watchdog, Danny Dyer and a pretend iPod. Still. Hee, hee.

Well, what with it being the big Beatles celebration this week, I thought I'd tune into your podcast thingy to enjoy your mop-top tales and Fab Four insights. What did I find? Giant meals, spam emails, Mr. & Mrs. reviews and pretend iPods. Where was Yellow Submarine? Nowhere, that's where.

This week's podcast is replaced by live coverage of the golf from Chicago. Oh, wait ... no it seems these two consider discussions of steam fairs, The Great British Bake Off, MySpace, Pukka Pads and the pretend iPod more important than men with sticks hitting little balls. They may have a point, to be honest.

Hotel problems, too many lights, badly behaved tourists, 999 on telly, Waitrose on Twitter and the pretend iPod? It's you two, isn't it? You're back! Oh, gawd, you're back ...