The Parish Counsel

In which Peter Hitchens is annoyed, Bonnie Tyler is nominated, Twickets are exchanged, mimics are mauled, comedy is buried and the pretend iPod swells.

In which kids are scared of classical music, Justin is late, People Like Us are on telly, children are plugged in, pubs vanish, Bluestone 42 is reviewed and the Pretend iPod gets two tracks larger.

In which Terence is trapped in a car wash. Twice. Bonuses are awarded, builders fail basic social media, BBC DJs are marked out of ten, 'Heading Out' is reviewed and the Pretend iPod is updated.

In which late-night phones are rung, emails are scammed, the Mail goes crackers, juries go off track, chicken shops go on telly, Rhona Martin watches TOTP 78 and pretend iPods are enhanced.

In which padlocks become romantic, a parishioner becomes engaged, a star becomes bankrupt, a supermarket launches a TV channel, Black Mirror is reviewed and a pretend iPod is added to.

Oi, you two. Whaddya think you're doin'? Podcasting? What on earth is podcasting? Talking about telephone protocol, online cookery, local TV, The One Show and a made up iPod? That's it? Good grief. I must admit I enjoyed the nice Scottish lady talking about My Bloomin' Valentine though. She was good.

Band re-unions, Blackberry's PR disaster, Vine, Prince Harry on the telly, Weight Watchers investigated and the pretend iPod. Alright if you like that kind of thing I suppose.

Tesco's bakery, outsourcing your job, the social media addict test, Twitter and TV, and the ITV rebrand. They tell me people find this stuff interesting. 'They' being these two waffle-merchants. I'll bet there's that pretend iPod too ...

Through the icy wastes two lonely figures trudge, their steps leaving dark trails in the whitened ground. On the freezing wind is heard talk of  the HMV sale, Blockbuster, Jessops, the HAPIfork, Trevor McDonald and the Pretend iPod. They're not coming in here with those mucky boots, I can tell you.

Snow's coming, they say. Just my luck to get stuck in a blizzard with these two, gobbling on about punk cafe scams, HMV, World In Action, smart forks and that iPod thingy. Bring me a shovel, quick!