The Parish Counsel

In which we polish François Hollande's shoes; suggest no news is good news; kick it out with Stan Collymore; stand bail for Bieber; and add two zippity tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we buy a Hudl and return it; consider whether it is Monsieur Hollande's own affair; take it to the bridge with Chris Christie; review House Of Fools; and add two emotive tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we consider life as a celebrity; drink a cup of Waitrose coffee; buy a copy of the Guardian (on Saturdays only); slow down for a moment; review Benefits Street; and add two ace tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we contrast Keith Vaz with Sarah Teather; advise Gary Barlow to take a holiday; ignore Kirstie Allsopp's guidance; watch Birds Of A Feather; and add two corking tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we see Sacco sacked; don't queue at Next; praise Pete Paphides' daughter; consider Christmas television; review Downton Abbey; and add two tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we talk about car parks and hair cuts; Google and Facebook; decide whether to share food with the bloke round the corner; preview Christmas telly with Juliet Harris; and add some seasonal cheer to the Pretend iPod.

In which we review the media's coverage of Mandela; learn to talk proper, yeah?; salute Spotify; dance on ice; watch Jack Whitehall; and listen to the Pretend iPod.

In which we swerve from Amazon drones; check if we're featured on the list of most irritating people of 2013; Test Magnus' IQ; visit the optician; review 'Liberty Of London'; and add two tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we consider a career in rock for Prince William; muse upon the Smart Wig; listen to Ed Miliband on Desert Island Discs; discuss Monty Python, and Black Friday; review A.N. Wilson & C.S.Lewis; and add two very different tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we remember Ray Gosling; muse upon aspects of life that annoy us; wonder if the show should always go on; review 'I'm A Celeb'; and add two tracks to the Pretend iPod.