In which we listen to the UKIP Collapso; Absolute 80s zooms upwards, whilst print media heads down; set up a date at the traffic lights; review Dapper Laughs; and fix the world from the Pretend Soapbox.

In which we listen to Lord Freud, Bono, & Channel 10 apologise; consider the ups and downs of fame; hug a stranger; don't hug John Cleese; review 'Human Universe'; and opine from the Pretend Soapbox.

In which we sample a new cola; get woken up by a woman from Moldova; don't buy Glastonbury tickets; watch 1D sing a bit of God Only Knows; and moan from the safety of the Pretend Soapbox.

In which we discuss the indiscretion of Brooks Newmark; male neckwear; radio for children; specialist shows on R1 & R2; '24 Hours In Police Custody' on Channel Four; and we climb up on to the Pretend Soapbox.

In which we miaow over 'Purrgate'; Kindle Unlimited; Lindsay Lohan & Lauryn Hill in London; 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown; and two elysian tracks are added to the Pretend iPod.

In which we muse upon Jeff Lynne's stagecraft; demolish some theatres; wonder if 'London Live' is dead; review 'Cilla' on ITV; and add two ear-friendly tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we revisit the secondary market for concert tickets; wonder what's wrong with Rachel Johnson; decide against becoming Guardian Patrons; vote for an independent London & Derbyshire; review Celebrity Squares; and add two radiant tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we discuss the danger of satnavs; the woes of celebrity selfies; the pursuit of Ashya; the new chair of the BBC Trust; the sparkle of Gems TV; and two rawking tracks are added to the Pretend iPod.

In which we remember Lord Attenborough; burst through the front doors of pirate film distributors, and innocent gamers; referee between Frankie Boyle & Jeremy Clarkson; eat Baked Alaska from the bin; & add two empyral tracks to the Pretend iPod.

In which we groan at the top gags from the Edinburgh Fringe; jump the queue for 50p; consider whether we're old enough to watch Monty Python & Beyonce; review Celebrity Big Brother; and add two breathtaking tracks to the Pretend iPod.